Since the team is not playing because of the rainout, guess the ballplayers will be sitting staring into corners like the bad little boyz they are until they can say they are sorry for last night’s dreadful game.

We can’t have that kind of behaviour, you know.
- 3 weeks of the season are already gone and it seems as if the ballplayers aren’t perfect – they don’t hit every at bat, they screw up hitnruns, they can’t always move the runner like good little boys, certain guys who are responsible for playing stellar defense (don’t look at Lee or Loretta) have made some mistakes and this all adds up to one angry manager and many angry fans.

So after 3 weeks of reading other Astros blogs and the comments on them, I have come up with the perfect solutions to fixing up the Astros:

1 – bench Biggio and just play him at home against leftys. Unless he isn’t hitting. Then don’t play him at all. Actually, just release the guy. Yeh. That will show the fans that Drayton Cares About Winning all right. And that Drayton is all about pleasing the REAL fans who know that ML baseball is exactly like the fantasy leagues.

2 – lets do some trades!!!!!
- Lidge for Miguel Cabrera. Or maybe Arod – he misses Texas.
- or else we could trade Lidge for Josh Beckett (like Theo originally wanted to do because the Red Sox overloaded with good starting pitching) or Dontrelle or even Andy Pettitte who the Yankees are already disrespecting by making him pitch middle relief and he never wanted to leave Houston in the first place – all he wanted was just a lil bit of foreplay from Drayton before the screwing started and now he is stuck Up There.
- And of course, the best of em all – Lidge for Carl Crawford straight up – yeh, the D-rays would JUMP at that one. We could even throw in Ensberg because they need a third baseman (send Iwa whatziz back to Japan) and Burke (who needs that Upton guy and his 40 homers anyhow?) See, Carl will fill the team’s need for a Genuine Certified American-born Negro, and fortunately, he’s got enough color to him that Those Troublemakers can’t complain that he’s Not A Real Black Man. Too bad the Astros didn’t think of this before the Philly game. Ah well.

3 – put Burke on waivers – he’s useless. Then we can play Hunter Pence who will guaranteed hit in the majors just like he has done in AAA for a grand total of 2 weeks of his entire playing career which couldn’t possibly be a hot streak because ballplayers don’t go thru streaks and anyhow, every single guy who is hitting .342 after 3 weeks at AAA comes up to the ML and keeps it up. For the rest of his HOF career. See Todd Self, J.R. House – heck, even see Jason Lane. Oh, sorry I forgot. He was always terrible. AA and AAA – those were just scorer errors. Since we’ve gotten rid of both Burke and Biggio, we can bring up Brooks Conrad who is just as good and even cheaper.

4 – put Everett on waivers. He can’t hit homers, SS is an offensive position in the NL – and he couldn’t even get a sniff as a DR on any other ML team. Then play Loretta the All-Star because his Arod -like hitting will overcome any minor inability to get any baseballs hit his way, even those hit directly to him. Defense doesn’t matter at ALL unless we are talking about center field and about Chris Burke in particular.

5 – Ensberg is a wuss and worthless and (shudder) he WALKS – how unmanly can you possibly get – REAL men swing away at ball 4. Which is why we can only count on him to suck. He’s never done anything but suck and the pansy wuss even tries to play through pain instead of going straight to the DL like Real Man JD Drew. Put Ensberg on waivers and play Mike Lamb full time.

6 – Berkman is cooked. He’s through – must be off steroids or something. Maybe even off beer!!! Big Puma? HAH!!! More like Big Pew. Just put him on waivers so someone else will eat his contract. Either that or trade him for another LOOGY. Can’t never have too many LOOGYs, hunh Phil??? Then put Carlos Lee on first. How hard could it be to play first? Ask Mike Piazza.

7 – And Jason Lane , why he never did nothing good nohow. He just went 2 fer 8 last night and 0-4 the night before and his SLG is under .600 now. That is IT, he’s had his last chance. Put him on waivers in case someone is stupid enough to grab him.

8 – Luke Scott has lost it. 5 games without a homer = the end of his career. Send him back down. Release him, whatever. Bring up Bruntlett and stick him in right cuz infielders make great outfielders and besides, Bruntlett is gritty and clutch (Tm). He NEVER shoulda been sent down after spring training.

9 – put Miguel Cabrera in left – you remember, we got him for Lidge. Or Carl Crawford.

10 – trade Hector Giminez to the Royals for John Buck because we need another catcher and the Royals could really use a guy on the DL for the rest of the year. We could throw in Quintero for fun just in case they for some reason might could actually want a person in between the batter and the ump.

11 – DFA Brad Ausmus – hey it don’t matter who the catcher is – you could use some HS kid anyhow. They all the same. We’ll just call up that great hitter Eric Munson who will surely out hit Piazza 1999 if he just got a chance to hit every day. Yeh, dude go for the catcher record in homers, you’ll see. Him and his lifetime .686 OPS (80 OPS+)

Now HERE’S a great team – we’re missing only Willy Taveras to complete the awesomeness. Him and his clutch hitting and 500 OPS. and his 4 SB and 4 CS. And of course, his great fielding unless the ball is hit in front of him.

Now to clean up the pitching staff. We’ll get rid of everybody except Roy and
Roy?
ROY????
ROY??????
Hey dude, where you think YER going???

Tags: Houston Astros, MLB

This entry was posted on Friday, April 27th, 2007 at 7:42 am and is filed under Biggio, Carlos Lee, Chris Burke, Hunter Pence, Jason Lane. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.