Twisted Carols For Astros Christmas 2006

Yesterday was Christmas Cookie Day.

Christmas Cookies is what you make when you have a WHOLE lotta friends and relatives and you just can’t really afford presents that are expensive. Also, when you have 3 little bossy elves to cut out the shapes and put the frosting on (on the cookie, NOT in the mouth, NOT in brother’s hair, not on the Dog noses…)

So after the zillion dozen finally out of the oven and in their tins (left AFTER grubby little fingers “accidentally” forget not to lick fingers before putting the raisins on the gingerbread boy, then put them on the table, refrigerator, wall – after they, um, taste test a few dozen) and AFTER I finally get tired, wired sugared up kidz into the bath then bed, it’s time to relax with a few songs…

Deck the Box with crappy FA
fa la la la la
la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Tis the season to go crazaay
fa la la la la
la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaa
Jack we now the ticket prices
fa la la la la
la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Any excuse it suffices
fa la la la la
la la lahhhh laaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!

Enuf Christmas “Cheer.”
Let’s check out some rap
me so ornery
me so ornery

“Will the Damm Fool Stros Fans Please Stand Up?” (apologies to Eminem)

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the damm fool Stros fans please stand up?
I repeat, will the damm fool Stros fans please stand up?
We’re gonna have a problem here..
So, will the real Stros fans please stand up?
And put one of those fingers on each hand up?
And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control
and one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?

“Player Got Back” (apologies to Sir Mix-a-Lot)

Oh, my, god.
Selig, look at that contract
It is SO big.
It looks like,
one of those Boras big deals.
But, y’know, who understands those owners?
They only talk to him, because,
He looks like a total package, ‘kay?
I like big bats and I can not lie
You other owners can’t deny
That when a playa walks in with a big BA
And homers for your place
You wallet get sprung
Wanna pull out your dough
‘Cause you notice that his K’s are low
Oh Carlos Lee I wanna get wit’cha
And take your picture
in an Astros Uni
My GM tried to warn me you not toolish
But with that bat you got makes me act so foolish
So use me, use me
‘Cause you ain’t that average group A
I’m tired of stat geeks
Sayin’ OPS the thing
Take the average Astros fan and ask them that
He gotta pack much bat
Player Got Bat!!

“FA In The Candy Shop” (apologies to 50 Cent)

[crappy FA]
Feels like I’m in a candy shop
Let’s see who can come out on top
Go ahead teams, don’t you stop
Keep going ’til you hit the spot haha
Imagining what you think I got
Will have you spending all you got
Keep bidding till you reach the top
Dontchu look away now whoaaaaa

“Spend” (apologies to Salt N Pepa)
Ooooooooooooh Yeah, I Wanna Spend, On Pitchers,
Spend and spend
Spend and spend and spend and spend
Here I go,
Here I go
Here I go again
Yall what’s my weakness?
Ok then, chillin’, chillin’, mindin’ my business
Yall I looked around, and I couldn’t believe this
I swear, I stared,
GM my witness
That pitcher had it goin’ on with somethin’ kinda…uh
Wicked, wicked (oooo) – had to kick it
He not shy so he asked for the digits
So? No, that don’t make me
See what I should
So I wondered if I could
Sign him for a lot
So I dipped back to my bag of tricks
Then I flipped for a six,
Make me wanna pay bucks for him
Pay him like a #1 should be paid
Couldn’t come to my senses
Tried to chill for a bit
Don’t know he you do
the voodoo that he do
So well it’s a spell, hell,
makes me wanna spend spend spend…

And speaking of spend
STILL no idea what we are gonna do for starters…

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6 Responses to “Twisted Carols For Astros Christmas 2006”

  1. Michael Hurta says:

    Oooh Oooh I know!
    We get leaders of every religious movement to pray that we pull off a Marlins 2006 pitching staff!

  2. Dave says:

    Wow, rough week for you there, Lisa…but great songs…glad to see ya still got some spirit left…albeit Christmas spirit.
    Some ideas for starters:
    1. Rick Helling is still available.
    2. And the Brewers will let you have Ben Hendrickson realll cheap.
    Anyway, at least your team hasn’t spent or will spend $15 million plus on its reserve outfielders (Jenkins, Clark, and Mench), plus another $6 million on your infield bench (Graffanino and Counsell).

  3. Tom says:

    Uh, we’ll trade Willy T, Buchholz, and Hirsh to the Rockies for Jennings and Asencio. Ok, it’s not the Joe Morgan Deal, and I of all people am not sad to see Willy T go. But failing to induce spittles of rage should be the base minimum for a trade, not the high point.

  4. J.V. says:

    There’s another holiday Eminem take-off here — you might like it:

  5. Actually, that trade did induce spittles of rage for me. The Astros got completely robbed on that deal.

  6. Steve Schramm says:

    Actually, I like the deal IF we sign Jennings to a 3-year deal for $30M or something like that right now. I wanted Willy and Taylor off the team anyway, and trading Hirsch for Jennings is a fair gamble; it might or might not work, but the odds are more than 50-50 on our side.
    But if it’s a one year rental, then this is a STUPID deal; we should have just kept Hirsch and seen what he can do (even though I wasn’t impressed last year).