Yesss, it’s Da Boyz Club in MLB.
Grrrlz are icky poo!!!
Remember all the trouble earlier this year when G.O.B. Keith Hernandez got his undies in a twist when he saw the Padres assistant trainer in the dugout – you see that assistant trainer, uh, looked like a (gaaaak aaaak) female human and not a slut or Annie or Morganna or, or – well, he was REAL indignant – don’t no GRRRRRL belong in the dugout!!! Why ain’t she in the kitchen where she belong???? Seeing as how there are more female doctors than male ones and how there are LOTS of female athletic trainers, personal trainers and physical therapists, kinda amazing that there is only ONE female assistant trainer in the majors (and as far as I know, none in the minors neither.)
And as far as I know, there is exactly one female in baseball management – Assistant GM Kim Ng of the LA Dodgers. I know Pam Gardner is high up in the Astros Organization, (President of Business Operations) but it ain’t no Assistant GM position, that’s fer sher.
With all the open managerial positions, Assistant GM positions and possibly GM positions open, there STILL are exactly zero female candidates for any of these. And I would most certainly say that we are the MOST underrepresented minority group in management. There’s plenty of excuses like, um, well, females can’t boss males around. Or males won’t obey a female boss. Or athletes are used to, um, screwing females, not the other way around. Any excuse will serve a tyrant, hunh. But there are PLENTY of female contract lawyers out there (and this is a LOT of what Assistant GMs do) and PLENTY of female CPAs out there and there are TONS of female baseball fans out there so what is the excuse?
We just don’t understand how to talk to males?
Well, they haven’t never done it before so how would they know what to do?
Old fashioned prejudice, I say.
But you know, my Mama, she has a different reason why there aren’t any females even TRYING to get these positions. It’s called wisdom, she says. So she tells me the lil tale she and all her business friends luuuvvvv to tell….
One day while walking down the street, this would be highly successful baseball executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Stadium Gates by St. Owner.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Owner. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a female executive make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me into the club,” said the woman.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have Higher Orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
“Actually, I’ve already made up my mind…I prefer to stay in Baseball,” said the woman.
“Sorry, we have rules…”
And with that St. Owner put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the field of a beautiful ML ballpark. In the distance were the ballclub stadium offices and standing in front of her were all of her girlfriends and they were all dressed in AAGPBL unis and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about hitting stats, fielding stats, WARP3, Win Shares, UZR (and every other baseball letter grouping that we don’t know what it really stands for.) They played an excellent 9 inning game and at night they went to the club owners’ suites where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devselig who was actually a really nice guy once you got past the hair/horns and she had a great time telling stats and telling baseball stories. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody hugged her and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went back up to the Stadium Gates and she found St. Owner. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, buying shoes, eating chocolates. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Owner came and got her.
“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I had a better time in Hell. It’s not I don’t luuuvvv music and shoes and chocolate, but I mean, all baseball all the time? It doesn’t get any bettern that.”
So St. Owner escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland of a rookie league park covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in cleaning crew rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Seligula came up to her and put his arm around her. “Hello there, girlfriend. Welcome to your rightful place.”
“Bud, Bud, Bud, I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a ML ballpark and club suites and we ate lobster and we played baseball and talked stats and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you.
Today you’re staff.”
- – - -
Now my Mama’s best friend – she got a slightly different story:
In the beginning, there was the Plan. NO FEMALES IN BASEBALL!!!
And then came the Assumptions. FEMALES CAN’T REALLY DO THIS!!!!!
And the Assumptions were without form,
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Females
And they spoke among themselves saying, “It’s a crock of s**t, and it stinks.”
And the Females went unto the Managers and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”
And those Managers went unto the Assistant General Managers saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
And the AGMs went unto their GMs saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it’s strength.”
And the GMs spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the GMs went to the Owners saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Owners went unto the Commissioner saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote growth, and vigor of the ML with very powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it was good,
And the Plan became Policy.
And THIS is how s**t happens.
Now my Daddy, he got still ANOTHER story – he says – baby girl you just can’t have no GRRRLZ walkin into the Executive Suites, cluttering up the Executive Office Paths. Lemme tell you a story to explain…
This General Manager was walking along a California beach deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud:
“Lord, grant me one wish.”
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! The offense to the environment!! I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women so I could really talk to them. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “So, yall want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?”
- moral of the story – if He can’t understand You People, what do you expect the poor GM to do?
So seems this is why there ain’t no females in baseball…