1/13/13: The Astros And Drugs

I was gonna write a little blurb bout Jonathan Singleton getting caught using that Performance Detracting Drug, Mary J Wanna, or should I say, Mary J Ida-Wanna, but I done wrote that all before last year when maroon Jordan Schafer got caught. Honestly, how swear word STUPID can you get? The Astros were almost certainly inviting him to ST and I would bet were considering calling his sorry ass up if Brett Wallace failed and now he has to not play for 2 months.

Either he has an addiction problem or is is too stupid to be believed – Mary stays in your system for MONTHS and you can have a positive piss test.

The Astros best prospect.

They don’t care about it or test for it in the MAJORS but for whatever reason, the minors cares about it even in the offseason and screwing up your entry into the MONEY is beyond stupid. Made a mistake. The usual blubbering apology – prolly look like one of my Dogz after getting caught pullin over the trash can.


to me, the big news, fortunately ignored because after all this IS Houston, bereft by the media, is that BOTH Biggio and Bagwell said that Bonds and Clemens belong in the Hall and that Bonds was the best player they’d ever seen. The Jeff Pearlmans of the world and all those gutless unnamed BBWAA voters who don’t have the guts to show their ballots to the world, well, you KNOW they are gonna use this as a tacit admission by the Killah Bs – and not vote for them again.

This stuff has simply GOT to stop. Not only is there like ZERO reason to state that either one of them was without question one of the many roid users from 88 – 04, but there is like ZERO reason to insist that they either took steroids from the beginning of their careers or to insist that neither of them could play baseball above the AA/AAA level without it, which is what I’m reading. In his rookie year he had a 139 OPS+ fer chrissakes. We all know that a guy being skinny as a pole doesn’t mean he’s not shooting up, unless he puts on muscle and then it is positive proof unless he is Junior Griffey. Baggy did indeed hit 39 homers in 110 games in 94, but then again, in 94, EVERYONE was killing the ball. Either all hitters and no pitchers were shooting up, or the BALL itself was juiced.

But let’s be real – the ONLY reason that steroids suddenly became Teh Evull/Cheating is because the Home Run Record fell. Nobody cares that the previous Amphetamine Era players broke record after record because they did not put on weight. Too many people/writers like to pretend that amphetamines do not enhance performance, which is why even freaking cold medication is banned from the Olympics. Pete Rose broke the hits record, Hank Aaron broke the (gasp) Sacred Home Run Record, Nolan Ryan blew through the K record. (Anyone else ever wonder why on earth Nolie-poo is never on the suspect list? I mean, because throwing a baseball in the mid 90s while pitching no hitters is something ordinary pitchers can do at age 46…)

The insistence that steroids cause a nobody to turn into a great home run hitter is beyond absurd. And let’s be real here – NOBODY cares about guys who used steroids unless they hit a LOT of home runs or were named Roger Clemens). It’s why you get people shrugging off the players who have actually been CAUGHT using steroids.

It’s why people would condemn any sort of steroid use in any player even if he was given them BY A SPORTS PHYSICIAN under strict supervision to heal seriously damaged muscle. I would bet just about any amount of money that no one except Jeff Pearlman would have a problem if any ballplayer toook ANY substance that permanently improved his performance as a baseball player AS LONG AS it did not increase the size of his muscles.

For example, let’s suppose that player X uses, say, saline nose spray and finds out that spraying it in his nose improves his ability to focus on the spin of the ball and that after using the spray for a year, the ability is permanent.

Did he cheat?

Let’s suppose that player Y decides to fix Vitamin C and does weekly butt injections because he found that it strengthened his wrist tendons and back tendons, allowing him to have significantly increased butt, I mean BAT speed. Besides him being an obvious homosex (I mean seriously, isn’t that why everyone is so UPSET that androgen injections are, for whatever reason, taken in the BUTT???!!!!! seeing as how you know how Those Peeple are) has he cheated?

Let’s suppose that player Z lines his jock strap with aluminum foil after giving himself an enema with capsascin powder because he finds that this significantly enhances his alertness and focus and enables him to run faster, field better and singles those balls where the fielders ain’t.

Should any of these guys have to announce his new discovery that gave him this great advantage to either other players or to the media? All of those things used are available over the counter to anyone who wants them, including toddlers. Has anyone “cheated?”

Now youse guys might could laugh and say something like IGGNERINT WIMMEN!!!!! but the point is that each one of these guys was specifically TRYING to find something to make himself a better player, some little edge, NONE of the substances he used were illegal (like androstenedione, the Clear, vit B-12). is trying to find any sort of edge not prohibited – is that a bad thing?

Should we punish/suspend all the guys who wear those metal necklace thingys because they REALLY believe that they ENHANCE PERFORMANCE by using cosmic rays/magnetic fields/radioactive spider juice? You can’t prove that metal necklaces have anything whatsoever to do with performance enhancing than you can with Human Growth Hormone, but it doesn’t stop everyone from screaming about it and demanding blood tests.

The difference between the two is that people (wrongly) think that HGH has anything whatsoever to do with increasing muscle SIZE and strength in healthy young males and that metal necklaces can’t.

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14 Responses to “1/13/13: The Astros And Drugs”

  1. Anonymous says:

    From USA Today:

    Peavy got unorthodox advice from Clemens last August — that it feels good to feel as uncomfortable as possible on the mound. Clemens suggested he put Icy Hot in his jock strap. Peavy thought Clemens was joking, but before a start against the Washington Nationals last year, Peavy gave it a try.

    “I figured, what do I have to lose?” Peavy says. “Well, I threw a complete-game shutout against Washington (3-0 win with 10 strikeouts). Now, it’s become routine. I do it every start.

    “And, Roger is right, it does make you feel uncomfortable.”

    Kinda backs up your aluminum foil scenario…

  2. wags says:

    Anonymous was me. Sorry, I was free-basing Icy-Hot and I lost everything.

  3. Becky says:

    BWHAAAAA!!!!!! I laughed so hard I think I might have just peed my pants!!
    Lisa, this is probably one of your most priceless blogs!!! I’m *STILL* laughing.

  4. Lisa Gray says:


    yeh i had heard that about icy-hot
    so naturally, we are NOT gonna nail peavy for using performance enhancing substances, are we…


    well i have to laugh – these high horse jerks are bad for my Blood Pressure
    and i have resigned myself to no superb players in the Hall from my era

  5. Steve Schramm says:

    Lisa, you’re having way too much fun with this. You’re killing me. You forgot to mention the chicken sacrifice to take the curse off of Jose’s glove.

  6. Eric says:

    Jose has a glove ?

  7. Ralph says:

    “Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come. ” -Pedro Cerrano….think Jobu should be the new mascot

  8. Steve says:

    from about 1:10 to 2:15, though the entire clip is funny. In fact, this is the best sports movie ever, if you’re a baseball fan (which we all are). But it’s definitely NSFW if the audio is on. And the language isn’t acceptable for Lisa’s blog, no question.

  9. Bruce says:

    Didn’t Charles have an “estrogen rush”? Suspicious…

    HOUSTON — Barry Bonds hit home run No. 70 Thursday night and tied Mark McGwire’s record – a feat even Big Mac thought might last a lifetime when he did it a mere three years ago.

    Bonds, son of an All-Star and godson of a home run king, has three games left to make history all his own.

    Bonds, who watched Houston pitchers work around him throughout the three-game series, finally got a chance to swing in the ninth inning. He did not miss, hitting a 454-foot shot into the upper deck in right field off rookie Wilfredo Rodriguez.

    Bonds immediately raised both arms in the air as he began a slow trot around the bases. The record crowd of 43,734, which had booed when Astros pitchers walked him, rewarded him with a standing ovation.

    His San Francisco teammates poured out to greet a smiling Bonds at home plate along with Bonds’ son, Nikolai. Bonds pointed at his family behind the third-base dugout as he returned to the bench.

    With fans still cheering at Enron Field, he came out for two curtain calls. Bonds took his position in left field to start the bottom of the ninth, was mobbed by teammates who were in the Giants bullpen, then was replaced and left waving his cap.

    Bonds’ 70th homer marked the second big achievement of the day in the majors. Earlier, Rickey Henderson of San Diego scored his 2,246th career run and broke Ty Cobb’s record.

    The Giants won 10-2, completing a three-game sweep that kept them two games behind Arizona in the NL West race with three games remaining, all against Los Angeles.

    Bonds hit his 564th career home run, moving him past Reggie Jackson – a distant relative – for seventh place on the all-time list.

    Among those cheering for Bonds was his godfather, Hall of Famer Willie Mays, who ranks third on the career list with 660 homers.

    Bonds’ father, former major leaguer Bobby, was at the Giants’ first two games in Houston. The team, however, believed he had to leave town before seeing his son make history.

    Bonds connected on a 1-1 pitch from Rodriguez, a 22-year-old lefty making only his second major league appearance. Bonds took a huge cut and missed the first pitch, watched a ball up and in, then launched a 93-mph fastball into the stands.

    The ball was caught by Charles Murphy of Houston.

    Link to above…


  10. Eric says:

    Jonathan Singleton must’ve been hanging around Mary Jane Schaefer. Really oughta avoid bad company…smh.

  11. Eric says:

    “Let’s suppose that player Z lines his jock strap with aluminum foil after giving himself an enema with capsascin powder because he finds that this significantly enhances his alertness and focus and enables him to run faster, field better and singles those balls where the fielders ain’t”

    One of the most cringeworthy writings I’ve ever read..and that’s definitely something that would show up on 1,000 Ways to Die. Actually there was an episode of a man who gave hisself a pepper spray enema because he was a ex-con and mace spray is considered a weapon and he was getting stopped by a cop.

    But I digress.

  12. Lisa Gray says:


    DAMM right i am gonna have fun with this. ahm TARD of all the abrupt change in “character” to make sure the boys are perfeck lil angels OFFN the field.

    and ah NEVER gits tard of bull durham. NSFW, but ah doan care. ah lets Husby explain The Word That Gets You Thrown Out to the kidsss (“ask your Daddy” – it nevah gets old)

    jose’ gf put a curse on his glove. we need a live rooster
    also we don’t know what to get jimmie n millie – but candlesticks always make a nice gift


    and yes, we ALL deserve to wear white.

    disbelieve that jobu would do the astros any better than he did pedro cerrano. effu jobu hi do eet myself! JAIS!!!!!!!!!!!
    all the astros bats be sick this year, you know. it’s called king felix-itis.

    i was there for wilfredo vs barry lamar. section 417. the ONLY guy who threw a hittable ball to barry lamar the entire freaking SERIES. and barry lamar simply KILLT that base ball. it was un freaking believeable. can’t no person on this planet convince me that barry lamar bonds was not the greatest MLB hitter who ever lived besides ruth/cobb/ted

  13. Bruce says:

    I was there, too! Just electric!

    Agree he was phenomenal. So many hitters poop out in their mid-30’s, no matter what.

  14. Lisa Gray says:

    it was THE most incredible non-postseason game i have ever been to, except for the last game of the 04 season when brandon backe unexpectedly filled in for Da Rojah and pitched his ass off to win the WC on the last day of the year

    absolutely NO ONE comes anywheres NEAR barry lamar. i seriously doubt i’ll ever see any player like him for what is left of my life

    and i disbelieve it was The Roids seeing as how he put up HUGE numbers in 06 (156 OPS+) and 07 (169 OPS+) guaranteed CLEAN, after sitting out most of the 05 season. and this at age 40 something. his blackballing is a disgrace to anything resembling fairness. people insist this is a decline because he didn’t hit over 50 home runs. people ONLY care about home ()_@! runs