Archive for November, 2006

I Doughn’t Know Who’s (in) Right For The 2007 Astros

Thursday, November 30th, 2006

Time to talk about right fielders, since we don’t have one.

Let me start by commenting on a comment submitted by Karen on Sunday’s column:
“I’m no expert, but if Carlos Lee is not a really good left fielder, why not move him to another position so we can keep Luke? I can’t stomach the thought of losing Luke Scott! Talk about someone with a future!”
Girlfriend!!! Stop talking sense!!!!!
but what the heck, here’s the answers:

1 – Carlos Lee is getting paid 16.6 million. More than Lance, whose jockstrap he is not fit to carry. So that makes Carlos the top dog on the totem pole. Who knows if he COULD play right, which is a LOT easier to play in the Box than left. Point is, if he don’t wanna, he don’t hafta. And oh yes it IS all about the $$$ – remember how Phil wouldn’t bench Preston last year when it was MORE than clear that he should – remember all the talk about – he came here to play, he’s getting paid to play blahblahblahblah. What it meant was that 4 mill is more than the minimum Burke and Scott were getting, so that’s what mattered.

2 – The problem with Luke Scott is that he does not fit a stereotype of what a “prospect” should be – he’s “old” – which means, why should you even think about getting even 3 good years out of an “old guy” when you could get none instead.

So here’s where things stand – Aubrey Huff would put us over payroll and besides, he’s lousy, we all KNOW they are gonna trade/DFA Jason Lane, Hunter Pence is probably not ready for the majors, Charlton Jimerson will break Adam Dunn’s K record and Orlando Palmeiro is not a full time player. Or a good hitter. AND he has NO power. (Yeah, I suppose they can try Burke out there – he IS a great athlete and I’m sure he could run down balls and he CAN hit the cutoff man. But Burke is a great hitter for a 2B, not a corner OF. Luke Scott is a LF, not exactly a gold glover there, and he is a total butcher in right. But of course, looks like this team no longer cares about lousy defense, so youneverknow…)

Here’s the team so far best I can tell:
SP – Roy
SP – Woody
SP 3-5: Hirsh/Albers/Nieve/Sampson/Buchholz
RP – Wheeler, Qualls, Miller
(I think they will resign Springer, so I’ll add him in here)
Got a feeling they will get rid of Brad Lidge – he’s gonna cost over 5 mill. And besides, I think we all know that Albert Pujols destroyed him. (sarcasm, OK???!!!)

Position Players:
1B – Lance
2B – Biggio
3B – Lamb
SS – Everett (I think the pitchers will rebel if the team trades away the only good defensive player left)
C – Ausmus
LF – Lee
CF – Taveras
RF – ???
UT – Palmeiro, Burke, Bruntlett ? Brooks Conrad?

I’m pretty sure they will get rid of Ensberg – they been wanting to find an excuse for 6 years – and they will regret it BIG time.

I would guess Luke Scott is trade bait, and probably Burke, too, which would mean that Brooks Conrad will be the other utililty guy.

So best I can tell, guys on the trade block are Scott, Burke, Lidge, Ensberg – They luuuvvv Bruntlett – I think they would rather trade Burke. And they might could also trade Willy T – IF they got something good – Burke can play center, after all. AND Willy’s agent is Scott Boras, so he’s gonna be gone sooner or later, I would think.

Possible young pitchers on the trade block – Hirsh, Astacio (I HOPE), Buchholz, Sampson (I hope not), Wandy
They are in luuuvvv with Albers, and I don’t think he’s gonna be traded.

So let’s see who the ML RF are, since we gonna need one:
First, guys who are DEFINITELY not going anywhere: (in my opinion)
– Alex Rios, age 25, Blue Jays. He’s cheap, young, very good, and they don’t have another option after getting rid of Cattalanotto
– Milton Bradley, age 29, A’s – he’s good, cheap, and he loves it there
– Magglio Ordonez – 2 words – Scott Boras
– Vlad Guerrero, age 32, Angels – their only great hitter. He’s not available.
– Randy Winn, age 34, Giants – in the middle of a 3 year contract. Sabean doesn’t WANT young players. I suppose we could trade Mo Ensberg for him- they NEED a 3B. Watch Mo get tutored by Barry Lamar Himself and win the MVP…
– Brian Giles, age 37, Padres – has a complete no trade. He ain’t leavin home.
– Jermaine Dye – not a snowflakes chance in heck the Sox would trade him
– Nick Markakis, age 24, Orioles – cheap, young and a stud. Angelos wouldn’t trade Miguel Tejada for Taveras, plus Everett plus Lidge PLUS Ensberg. Markakis ain’t leaving.
– Bobby Abreu, age 32, lead glove, power bat died after last year’s home run derby. He costs 15 mill a year and he has a no trade besides. Anyhow, the Astros fans gonna hate him – he walks a LOT. And just like Mo Ensberg, for some odd reason he won’t swing at ball 4.
– Jeremy Hermida, age 23, Marlins. He’s gonna get paid minimum wage by Loria for the next 2 years. Loria won’t trade him unless we could come up with at least one prospect as valuable who could get minimum wage for THREE years. We got no one like that.
– Moises Alou, age 40 – just signed a 1 year deal with the Mets. I kept hearing how he wanted to come back to Houston, but he’s not wanted here. I would guess it might could have something to do with his 1 year DL stint from “falling off a treadmill”
– Jeff Francoer, age 23, Braves. They LUUUVVVV him. Even though he strikes out a lot and won’t walk. He’s not going anywhere this year.
– Carlos Quentin – the Dbax are NOT trading this guy. Period. He looks like MVP material to them. And to me too.

Guys who are either signed already or are under a team’s control but might could get traded:
– Reggie Sanders, age 37, Royals. Was hurt most of last year. Was a fine fielder when healthy, although it was a down year for his bat. Has always played well in the Box. I wanted us to sign him last year instead of Preston Wilson. Ah well… We could probably get him for Wandy. Or Astacio.
– Casey Blake, age 33, Indians – costs 3.75 mill, the team just exercised his option, has decent bat and glove and is dirt cheap. Would probably take either Mo Ensberg or Brad Lidge
– Michael Cuddyer, age 28, Twins – first year of arb. Decent bat, lousy glove. I suppose he COULD be traded, but Twins GM Terry Ryan is a LOT smarter than Astros GM Drayton McLane so I would expect another AJ Punch/Nathan/Liriano/Bonser trade with the Astros on the bad end.
– Juan Encarnacion, age 30, Cards. I’d rather keep him THEIR problem.
– Shawn Green, age 34. Terrible bat, terrible glove. HUGE salary. PLEEZE, NOOOOOOO
– Jacque Jones, age 32. Can NOT hit leftys at ALL. Terrible glove with an arm like Bess Clemens. A platoon guy at best who has to be pulled for DR.
– Geoff Jenkins, age 32. Seems it wasn’t but 2 years ago he had the best RF glove in the NL. But he’s gone downhill with both the bat and glove FAST and last year he was just awful. He’s gonna cost the Brew Crew 7 mill this year, the last year of his contract, and they are eager to get rid of him and I would bet they’d trade him for Astacio AND eat most of his contract, too. Best I can tell, and from what I’ve heard from Brewer fans, he’s washed up. But he’s another USC guy and you know how we luuuvvv them guys from USC… But he’s another lefty who can’t hit leftys, so he would need to be platooned.
– Xavier Nady, age 28, Pirates. The prospect evaluators all thought he was gonna be great when he was a prospect, but things don’t always turn out the way they predict. He’s a below average bat for a corner OF – a career .755 OPS, and has medium power, and has an average glove. But I think he’s arb eligible this year and guess who his agent is????? Yep. See, he ain’t the debbil – he doesn’t dump clients who are mediocre.
– Austin Kearns, age 26, Nats. Me, I think this guy is grossly undervalued. I would LOVE to have him on our team. He’s a fantastic fielder, hits for decent power and runs well. But he (horrors) strikes out and walks a lot and that will NOT go over here. It’s only his second arb year and he would be pretty cheap. I wouldn’t trade Burke for him, but I would a couple of pitchers not named Roy or Sampson. They wouldn’t want Mo Ensberg – they already got a great 3B. I don’t know who his agent is – couldn’t find it on google.
– Brad Hawpe, a TEXAN!!! age 27, Rockies – had a career year last year and he’s pre-arb. He’s not another Dante Bichette/ Vinny Castilla Coors Creation – he hits better away. He’s a below average glove. I haven’t hear anything about the Rox having him on the trade block. But youneverknow – I hear they want Chris Burke, in spite of just having signed Kaz Matsui.
– Jay Gibbons/Kevin Mench – too el Suck for words
– Damon Hollins, age 32, D-Rays – a glove man, mostly – career .701 OPS. Never had more than 330 AB in any year. Is a cheap pre-arbguy, but not bettern Lane, who I am POSITIVE will be gone.
– David Dellucci, age 33. Just signed by the Indians to a cheap 3 year contract. A good lefty bat who has had his best seasons the last 2 years. Of course, he’s been platooned, but then again, he pretty much always was. He is supposed to have a below average glove.
Free Agents still not signed:
– J.D. (Nancy) Drew, age 30. Two words. Scott Boras. I heard 4 years 70 mill with the Red Sox (snicker)
– Trot Nixon, age 32. Dude is almost always hurt. Too bad, because he used to be very good. A backup bench guy at best.
– Jose Guillen – age 32, Nats – is pretty darn good, both bat and glove. He was hurt most of last year and is coming off Tommy John surgery. He has the reputation of being a redass, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers. And he might could be cheaper than you’d think. AND no Scott Boras neither.
– Gabe Kapler, age 31 – a part time guy since 2001 when he was with the Rangers. Good glove. OPS last 3 years around Adam Everett level. But you know, I gotta hand it to this guy – he was a 57th round pick by the Tigers in 05 and he was playing pretty much full time by 98 and he’s managed to land himself a job somewhere every year since. I gotta take my hat off to the guy. Even though I don’t want him as our full time RF.
-Jay Payton, age 34 – been with the A’s. He’ll expect to play full time, no matter what he originally says to the team that wants to sign him. Decent glove and can play center. Well, he’s one of those low walks low K, fairly high BA that the Stros fans seem to want. Lifetime .743 OPS. Very few homers, 20 – 30 doubles a year. He has said he wants to stay with the A’s. He should be cheap, but he’ll hit just a lil bettern Willy Taveras. He drove in 59 runs batting 5th, 6th or 7th – almost as much as Adam Everett in the 8 hole, so I wouldn’t count on him as a run producer.
– Matt Stairs, age 39. He broke out at age 29 with the “softball team” Billy Beane A’s in 97. He’s hit great every year but last year ever since. Problem is he played exactly 3 games in the OF last year and 15 games the year before. So he would be a lefty off the bench, really, which we don’t need.
– Craig Wilson, age 29. A good righty power bat. I have never understood why the Pirates organization disliked and disrespected this guy, who is a good and patient hitter. (By the way, he’s 6′2″ 225 lb. Go look at him then look at Carlos Lee and see if you think Carlos only weighs 10 lbs more…) The only year he played full time, he had a .853 OPS, and he played 60% of the time in right. Of course, he doesn’t have the greatest glove, he was originally a catcher and for some reason, the Pirates didn’t want to leave him there, but he isn’t worse than Jason Lane. He does strike out a lot – even more than Mo Ensberg (horrified gasp) so I guess he wouldn’t be a good fit here, although I would bet he’s gonna be VERY cheap

So, I guess I would either try to trade for Kearns or try to sign Jose Guillen, who should both be pretty cheap.
I would also think that signing Craig Wilson, who should also be very cheap, would be great – we could use another RH power bat who can play first and right.

If anyone has a subscription to BA or any other minor league evaluating site and would like to suggest top AAA 3B whose club might could agree to trade them, please feel free to suggest them.

Let’s Talk About Dough – 2007 Astros Payroll Estimate

Tuesday, November 28th, 2006

Yo, I don’t think we should talk about this
Come on, why not?
People might misunderstand what I’m tryin’ to say, you know?
No, but that’s a part of life

Let’s talk about Astros’ dough
Let’s talk about Carlos Lee
Let’s talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let’s talk about $$$
Let’s talk about wins
Let’s talk about pitching
Let’s talk about bats

Let’s talk about ballplayers gettin paid to the people at home or in the Box
It keeps coming up anyhow
Don’t decoy, avoid, or make void the topic
Cuz that ain’t gonna stop it

Now we talk about money on the internet and baseball shows
Many will know anything goes
Let’s tell it how it is, and how it could be
How it was, and of course, how it should be
Those who think it’s hopeless have a choice
Turn to soccer, press click, or turn the sportscasters off
Will that stop us, Stros fans? I doubt it
All right then, come on, Yall
(with apologies to Salt-n-Pepa)

Here’s the market:
1 -we’ve got Aramis Ramirez, all hit and no glove 3B for the Cubs getting 15 mill a year for 5 years – AND they can’t put him at first in 2 years, they already got Derrek Lee there.
2 -we’ve got Mark DeRosa, a part time utility infielder getting 3 years at 13 mill
3 -we’ve got Gary Matthews Jr., 32 years old, an average CF with the glove, who has been DFA three times in his career, who had a career year this past year, getting FIVE years 50 mill. Yes, you read that right.
4 – we’ve got Juan Pierre, age 29, a good fielding CF with an arm like a 10 year old girl and a career OBP of 350 and OPS of 728 getting signed to hit leadoff at 9 million a year for FIVE years to a team that ALREADY has Rafael Furcal, a VERY good leadoff guy, to hit leadoff.
we’ve got Alfonso Soriano, age 31 signed for 17 mill a year for EIGHT YEARS to play CF, a position he’s never played before.
5 – we’ve got a 35 year old LOOGY, Jamie Walker, getting signed by Baltimore to a THREE year contract at 4 mill a year. Mind you, this guy was released by the effing ROYALS in 2000. This is for a guy who has pitched 48 innings a year for the last 2 years and has a career ERA+ of 112. Trever Miller must really regret signing a 2 year contract last year.
6 – we’ve seen the Yankees resign Mike Mussina to a 2 year contract at 11.5 mill a year. And that is IT.

JD Drew has not yet signed – Scott Boras, as usual, smelled BIG money.
Remember I told yall that the teams were up to their eyeballs in dough (like I said, if Scott Boras says there is money, THAT I believe. That man he got a nose for money like, like – um, French pigs for truffles…)

Well, at least they are awash in dough THIS year. What worries me is all the too long contracts being thrown around like candy. What is the probability that Alfonso Soriano will actually be worth 17 mill a year when he is 39 years old? Remember, guys get permanently hurt – Albert Belle, Jeff Bagwell, to name a few guys who were almost never out of the lineup who had a very premature end to their careers…

Well, lets see where we are:
here’s the 40 man roster – notice that J.R. House and Jailen Peguro (the closer at AA last year) are gone…
(salaries, years courtesy of Cots’ Baseball Contracts) ALSO notice that Phil Barzilla, a LEFTY (and yall KNOW Phil craves leftys) is not on the roster and (yecccch) Astacio is.

SP – Matt Albers, RHP, age 24, mostly in AAA – sat on his butt in the ML for most of September – the Organization likey this guy
SP/RP – Ezequiel Astacio, RHP, age 27 – spent the year in AAA. Where he belongs.
SP – Brandon Backe -DL for Tommy John surgery 2007 –
SP – Jimmy Barthmaier, RHP, age 23 – just finished high A – started 27 games, 146 IP (5.1 IP/ GS), 3.62 ERA, 1.39 WHIP, 4.11 BB/9 IP, 8.11 K/ 9 IP
RP – Dave Borkowski, RHP, age 30 – threw 71 innings (and 7 in AAA) ended up 3-2 with a 4.69 ERA and 1.31 WHIP and a 97 ERA+
SP – Taylor Buchholz, RHP, age 25 – sigh. he looked like an ace in April and AAA in September. Let’s hope Dave Wallace can fix him
RP – Paul Estrada, RHP age 24 – just finished AA , was closer after Jailen Peguro was promoted to AAA. Threw 81 innings, 3.05 ERA, 1.11 WHIP; 3.76 BB/9; 13.60 K/9
SP – Juan Gutierrez, RHP age 23 – just finished AA. appeared in 20 games, pitched 103.2 innings – 3.04 ERA; 1.23WHIP; 2.95 BB/9; 9.20 K/9 IP
SP – Jason Hirsh, RHP age 25 – was good or lousy. Had a great first half in AAA – hope Wallace is good for him
RP – Brad Lidge, RHP age 30 – before we tell him that he should not let the door hit his ass on the way out, we SHOULD remember that there are a WHOLE lot of teams drooling over this guy. I heard some rumor bout him to the Red Sox for (gag) Wily Mo Pena. PuhLEEEEZE…
SP – Mark McLemore, LHP age 26 – was hurt most of last year. Had a 2.81 ERA in 52 IP – but a 1.47 WHIP because he walks (gulp) 6 guys/9 IP and Ks 8/9 IP. Still, we NEED leftys.
RP – Trever Miller, LHP age 34 – our LOOGY signed, sealed and delivered. 3.02 ERA – 50 IP over 70 games.
SP/RP – Fernando Nieve RHP age 24 – started 11 games, relieved in 29. At this point, looks like either the #5 guy or a middle reliever.
ACE – Roy Oswalt RHP age 29 – that 14 mill a year looks cheap now
SP – Felipe Paulino RHP AGE 23 – got NO idea why this guy is on the 40 man. just finished high A, started 26 games over 126 innings with a 4.35 ERA; 1.41 WHIP; 4.21 BB/9 IP; 6.29 K/9 IP. What. do they think this guy is the next Johan Santana?
RP – Chad Qualls RHP age 27 – decent pitcher – 88.1 IP in 81 games with a 3.76 ERA and a 1.17 WHIP. There is talk about making him a SP, but he hasn’t started a game since 2004 in AAA. He’d need another pitch…
SP/RP – Wandy Rodriguez, LHP age 27 – well, he ain’t gonna turn into no Tom Glavine, but I still root for the lil guy. He started off last year great, then backslid. Hoping Wallace can fix him too.
SP – Chris Sampson RHP age 28. I put SP there because it is just a waste to shove him in middle relief and he’s not a closer type guy. He darn well better be in the rotation is all I can say.
RP – Dan Wheeler RHP age 29 – one of the best set up guys. And can close if he needs to, also. Amazing. This guy was picked by the Devil Rays in the 34th round, released by them, then released by the Braves, then traded by the Mets to us for a minor leaguer who turned up positive for roids. He’s had an ERA+ of 172, 188 and 180 since he joined the Stros.
SP – Woody Williams, age 40, our new FA
C – Brad Ausmus, RH, age 38 – not Mike Piazza 1999 with the bat, that’s fer SHER.
C – Hector Gimenez, SH, age 24
C – Humberto Quintero RH, age 27
1B, RF- Lance Berkman SH, age 31
2B – Craig Biggio RH, age 41
IF, CF – Eric Bruntlett RH, age 29
IF – Brooks Conrad SH, age 27 (no one took him in the Rule V last year)
3B – Morgan Ensberg RH, age 31
SS – Adam Everett RH, age 30
1B, 3 B – Mike Lamb LH, age 31
LF – Josh Anderson LH, age 24
2B, CF – Chris Burke RH, age 27
OF – Charlton Jimerson RH, age 27
RF – Jason Lane RH, age 30
OF – Orlando Palmeiro LH, age 38
OF – Mike Rodriguez LH, age 26
LF – Luke Scott LH, age 28
CF – Willy Taveras RH, age 25
LF – Carlos Lee, age 30

Last year, the 25 man roster (not including Roger) $92,551,503. The other guys on the 40 man made somewhere between $800,000 and a mill, say, and Roger cost around 12.25 mill. so we spent somewhere around 104 – 105 mill last year on the 40 man. We had the third highest payroll in baseball, by the way…

So this year, we have the following amounts we will spend fer SHER:
Jeff Bagwell – 7 mill
Lance Berkman – 14.5 mill
Roy Oswalt – 13 mill
Craig Biggio – 5.15 mill
Brad Ausmus – 3.5 mill
Trever Miller – 1.3 mill
Orlando Palmeiro – 0.95 mill
Carlos Lee – 16.6 mill
Woody Williams – 6.25 mill

Right there is 68.25 mill (and we are already committed to 51.35 mill for 08!!!!!) And Purpura is on record saying the payroll is gonna be high 80s low 90s, remember!!!!!

So, let’s assume it is gonna be 90 mill (take the midpoint) – this means there is exactly 21.75 mill left for all the other guys, which means that I think a whole lot of arb guys are gonna be gone.

Let’s look:
arbitration eligible: (what they made in 06; and assuming we re-sign everybody)
Adam Everett – 1.9 mill
Mike Lamb – 1.7 mill
Brad Lidge – 3.975 mill (plus what he’ll get in arb)
Mo Ensberg – 3.8 mill (plus arb)
Dan Wheeler – 0.95 mill
Jason Lane – 0.45 mill
Eric Bruntlett – 0.365 mill

That equals 13.4 mill minimum – assuming no one gets a raise, which will not happen. I can’t see them getting rid of either Dan Wheeler or Mike Lamb.

NOT arb eligible: (say 600 apiece for the first 4 guys and 340K for the rest – I’m not sure what the ML minimum is this year, but it went up:
Brandon Backe (believe it or not) – 0.35 mill
Willy Taveras – 0.4 mill
Chad Qualls – 0.375 mill
Chris Burke – 0.365 mill
Humberto Quintero – 0.335 mill (not bad for playing most the whole year in AAA)
Matt Albers – 0.327 mill
Josh Anderson – 0.327 mill
Ezequiel Astacio – 0.327 mill
Jimmy Barthmaier – 0.327 mill
Taylor Buchholz – 0.327 mill
Hector Giminez – 0.327 mill
Juan Gutierrez – 0.327 mill
Jason Hirsh – 0.327 mill
Charlton Jimerson – 0.327 mill
Fernando Nieve – 0.327 mill
Wandy Rodriguez – 0.327 mill
Chris Sampson – 0.327 mill
Luke Scott – 0.327 mill
Brooks Conrad – minors
Paul Estrada – minors
Mark McLemore – minors
Felipe Paulino – minors
Mike Rodriguez – minors

The non-arb eligible minimum is 7.165 mill

The 2007 total absolute minimum = $88.82 mill.

This does not include FA –
Aubrey Huff – contract was for 6.75 mill
Russ Springer (who wants to come back) 0.75 mill
Joe Borkowski – 0.327 mill (I guess)
Eric Munson – 0.327 mill
Joe Mc Ewing – minors
Carlos Hernandez – minors

I would guess we would re-sign Russ Springer – he was worth the money. Borkowski is gonna get a raise from SOMEone.

So I sure don’t see any money left to sign Pettitte, Piazza or any other FA.

IF McLane was serious about cutting the payroll 10% – and you notice that with all the hoo-hah over how McLane is finally “spending” on Lee and Williams, that none of the media has gotten around to asking him why he’s cutting payroll…

Let’s Get This Straight – Astros Lose 2007 Draft Picks Part 2

Sunday, November 26th, 2006

I got more emails on last Friday’s column than any other one I’ve ever written. Mostly telling me I am stupid (sorry, I am trying to keep this site clean so I have edited out the bad words. ALL of them…)

So let’s get these little, uh, misunderstandings straight: (especially for yall who couldn’t tell a sarcastic remark if it was written in flashing lights)

I DO NOT WANT TO TRADE ADAM EVERETT FOR ANYONE!!! (well, OK, unless it’s straight up for Johan Santana.) He is by FAR the best fielding shortstop in baseball and last year, he was the best defensive player in the entire major leagues by every defensive evaluation system out there (except Baseball Prospectus – I don’t subscribe to them and I have no idea what they say.) He saved this team 30 runs. And he drove in more runs than anyone else in the lineup except Lance Berkman, seeing as how so many people are so into RBIs. He’s the freaking #8 hitter. It is beyond stupid to trade the #8 hitter, who is the best fielder at the toughest position in the major leagues, because he is not a good enough hitter.

I DO NOT WANT TO TRADE OR DFA MORGAN ENSBERG!!! He is head and shoulders better than Aubrey Huff with both bat and glove. I am tired of hearing how terrible it is that he walks instead of swinging at pitches out of the strike zone. I am tired of hearing about how he strikes out looking, like grounding out like Carlos Lee does is such a much better way to make an out. This Organization and the local media have been hating on him since the day he almost got killed in that holdup back in 2000. I do NOT get it and I never have. I think all that “he needs to be more aggressive at the plate” complaining is a stinking, rotting sack of horse poopoo.

I DO NOT WANT TO GET RID OF ALMOST EVERY PLAYER WE HAVE WHO IS YOUNG AND ARB ELIGIBLE OR PRE ARB OR OUR ONLY 2 GOOD PROSPECTS WE HAVE IN THE MINOR LEAGUES!!! Especially not for Vernon Wells, who will be a one year rental because he is a FA next year and his agent is NOT stupid. Wells will be 28, is a GG CF and Soriano, 2 years older who has never played CF just got 8 YEARS, 136 mill.

CARLOS LEE DOES NOT WEIGH 235 OR EVEN 240 POUNDS!!! He weighs at LEAST 275 – and it is NOT muscle, it is FAT. I am not saying that Carlos won’t help with the bat next year. I AM saying that for reasons I can NOT understand, seems almost everybody conveniently is forgetting that he will be on the team for at LEAST 3 years more. This is like being glad you are having a baby, somehow forgetting that after age 1, they are not a baby, they are a child and they will be with you for the next 17 years. At LEAST.

I do NOT understand why anyone could possibly think that Lee will maintain his 2006 hitting stats for an entire SIX years. He is not now and never was a Manny Ramirez or even a Jeff Bagwell quality hitter. Carlos has 78 RCAA (thank you Lee Sinins) over the entire 6 years he has played in the major leagues. Albert Pujols had that many this YEAR alone. Or if you would prefer another LF – this year Manny Ramirez had 60 – but of course he’s already 34. Looks like he had 80 RCAA his age 30 season. (In case you are curious, Lee had 23 RCAA this year. The much maligned Mo Ensberg had 19.)

I STILL do not understand why you think that Carlos Lee will give better production over the next 6 years than Luke Scott will – and Luke Scott will cost around 90 mill less. I would like even ONE of yall telling me what a dumb **** I am to point out ANY left fielder who weighs 275 pounds at age 31 who maintained his age 30 hitting production for the next 6 years of his life – and he has to have only played either right of left field – no 1B, no DH. Or even the next four. (OK, Babe Ruth. But ain’t none of yall gonna try to convince me that Carlos is in his class.)

Remember you always have to weigh the runs he costs us against the runs he creats. They BOTH matter, even if you want to ignore the one.

I do not understand WHY on earth you think Gerry Hunsicker would be stupid enough to trade Carl Crawford to us for the few cheap young pitchers we have. Gerry Hunsicker is a LOT smarter about player evaluation and value than Drayton is, which is why Drayton got rid of him. He’s still laughing about stealing Benny Zobrist and Mitch Talbot for 2 months of Aubrey Huff.

And please, let’s get real – there is like NO way that Purpura is making ANY decisions about the roster of this ballclub. Like I told one guy – Purpura is the yessest yes man I’ve ever seen. It is why Drayton threw Gerry out on his ass and replaced him with the Puppet.

I do not understand WHY on earth we should trade the few cheap young players we actually have for Miguel Cabrera – that is, even if Loria WOULD trade him to us. He’s already grossly obese and he simply can’t play third – he makes Mike Lamb look like Scott Rolen. We can’t stick him at first or in left. He’s going to be a FA in 2 years. You wanna make a guess how much $$$ he’s going to be getting at age 27, even if he can only DH by then?

I do not understand why so many of yall honestly think that defense means basically nothing. You want hitters who are terrible fielders. WHY can’t yall seem to understand that bad fielders give up runs – allow runs to score for the other team – because they don’t get to the ball or can’t throw the ball? Why do you think that allowing hits and runs doesn’t matter?

I do not understand why so many of yall want to play Yankees and get rid of all our good young players (except Willy Taveras, because he steals, I guess) for old aging sluggers. Exactly WHERE has this gotten the Yankees? First place in the division and nothing to show for it since 2000. Big freaking deal.

This is not fantasy baseball where you get points just for RBIs, BA, HR and SB. This is not a hitting only world. Who here HONESTLY thinks that the Tigers’ horrible fielding had nothing to do with them losing the WS and it was all because of the suberb St. Louis pitchers and the overpowering St. Louis bats of So Taguchi and WS MVP David Eckstein and their unending torrents of XBH?

And last – can we PLEASE stop talking about Roger and Andy? It sounds just like people talking about their exes. It is time to move on. Because they obviously have moved on too. (Also, because unless Purpura is flat out lying about this year’s payroll, we got no more money to spend…)

Astros Lose 1st and 2nd Round 2007 Draft Picks

Friday, November 24th, 2006

Well, as all yall know, today is the High Holy Day for American Females – the biggest shopping day of the year. First we’re thankful we got credit cards, THEN we shop to prove it.

So today, I headed out with a few gf after giving Husband the usual long list of last minute instructions that men pretend to listen to but ignore and told him I’d be back after dinner and before midnight. So for some reason, us girls decided to leave the mall early and beat the rush to the checkout and the rush out of the parking lot.

Or maybe we were all just tired, but I did get home at 7:45 and there was Husband at the door with a slightly anxious face. He looked at me, then looked relieved. When that boy looks worried, then relaxes, I KNOW something up. Actually I’m pretty blessed – Husband can’t lie worth a darn and kidsss can’t keep a secret.

Kidsss all come running up – 3 little boys all talking at once, I THINK I hear – itza a hunnert million dollars whazinna bags cn we see whatchu get wherezz minnnnnne??? Normal there.

Dogsss all look fine – no missing paws, hair not dyed green, chunks not bitten out of them or something, house seems OK, can’t smell something burning, it seems as clean as can be expected with 3 little kidsss living in it.

So I say to Husband – you might as well tell me now. No, he says, not until you sit down and eat. Husband is convinced that everything in life is easier to deal with on a full stomach. Which is, I guess, why his stomach is always full. I actually AM a little hungry – shopping in a huge crowd of eager bargain hunting females take a LOT of energy, let me tell yall men.

So Husband fixes me a plate of cold turkey and hot dressing with gravy (yeah, we DID have leftovers) and a glass of milk and waits until I’ve finished.

Husband sez, I guess you didn’t talk to your Mama? And actually, I didn’t – my cell battery died around noon. So I got just a lil impatient and said – out with it.

Deep sigh.

The Stros signed Woody Williams to a 2 year contract with a 3rd year option (actually 2 years for 12.5 mill with a club option for a 3rd year at 6.5 million…) Well, that’s fine with me. Woody must be one of the happiest guys in the majors – he’s always wanted to play for his hometown Astros – he’s only said so on the record bout a zillion times and 6 mill a year is very good for a decent SP – even if he IS 40 years old. Heck, there ARE guys who can pitch at age 40 – Kenny Rogers, Jamie Moyer, Roger Clemens… (And I LIKE having homies on the roster – I do NOT like that seems we only have scouts in California and not Texas.)

But that ain’t all. Nope. Deep breath.

Carlos Lee was signed for 6 years 100 million. I had that very bad feeling that we were gonna do something that freaking stupid, so I wasn’t as upset as I would have been for, say, signing Gary Matthews Jr for 5 years 50 mill or Soriano 8 years for 136 mill. All I want to know is – was Drayton stupid enough to give that lump of lard a no-trade? Ida know, sez Husband, they didn’t say.

(UPDATE: 11/25 – the first four years are no trade. Too stupid for words. And to respond to all the emails telling me I am a stupid moron for not liking this deal, let me say this – Lee might could be fine next year. But there are FIVE more years after that and a whole lot of people out there can’t seem to understand that fat outfielders do not continue to produce at the same level they did when they were 29. And we will be paying him 16.6 mill a year for all those lousy years. )

I have NO freaking idea how that outfield is supposed to field. I guess this means both Jason Lane and Luke Scott are going to be traded – Lane, because he failed last year and Luke Scott, because he’s a LF without a position. And with Orlando Palmeiro, we don’t need another lefty off the bench. Hey, maybe we can sign Aubrey Huff to play right and give him a 7 year contract at 12 mill a year!!! Of course, he’s alousy RF. Well, I don’t guess that matters, seeing as how people really think it does not matter if a fielder can catch or throw a ball, as long as he hits home runs. We are going to end up eating a LOT of that contract because Lee is, I guess, unwilling to not see if he can get fatter than Bartolo Colon and Kirby Puckett combined and Lee will need to be traded to the AL as a DH in a few years, that is, if he can manage not to break his back or knees with all that excess fat.

So I called Mama. She was grim. Unless every pitcher manages to induce grounders to short, he’s gonna see his ERA go up by at LEAST 1.5 runs. And, she said, because of the terrible defense, they are gonna try to strike out every hitter and home run field will return. This was a really stupid signing, she said. Every stat geek she knows agrees. (Mitchel Lichtman, a well known defensive stat geek says “This is the worst signing of the off-season. It is horrendous. I defended the Soriano and Matthews signings. This one is indefensible. Lee, by all rights, is a terrible defender at this point in his career (interestingly, prior to 05, his UZR was above average). His baserunning lwts also took a nose-dive in 05. That and his UZR decline suggests that he has lost his speed. He is an average left fielder overall at best. At best. This signing has all the earmarks of a stupid team overvaluing a player – signing for big bucks a corner outfielder (not properly adjusting for defensive position) who is past his prime, just had a career year in offense, has good garbage stats, and is a terrible defender.”

Can I think of something good to say about this deal? I’ll try. At least Carlos Lee actually WANTED to play here, unlike that freaking *($^@! Carlos the Jackal, who was signing a book deal called “My First Year In Pinstripes” while offering the Yankees a below market deal, all while he was supposedly negotiating with the Astros, then came out with a supposed demand for a no trade clause AFTER he had already signed with the Mets. So that is ONE good thing I can say about THIS Carlos. And I’m reasonably certain we can get one good year of hitting, unless he gets hurt lugging all that lard around.

I’m sure the fans who have been screaming for us to DO SOMETHING are ecstatic. They will be the same ones screaming how Carlos sucks and is hurting the team and let himself go to heck with conditioning as soon as he had the security of that huge contract. Well, at least Carlos will ground out instead of striking out because that is really really important for the fans. HOW you make the outs counts for a LOT. GO to SS, 2B = good. K = bad.

Now, maybe they can get back to screaming how we need to dump that dead bat Adam Everett, who is worthless and strikes out for a REAL bat like, say Felipe Lopez (who was the worst fielding SS in the majors last year but is a good hitter) cuz your #8 hitter should be hitting like Lance. And DFA that no good Mo Ensberg who does terrible things like WALK and put Mike Lamb at third full time and play Eric Bruntlett for tough leftys. It will be so great to have a team that hits like the Yankees and fields like them too.
These self same fans luuuuuuuvvvvv Willy Taveras and his leadoff .333 OBP, who struck out 8 times less than the hated Mo Ensberg, and walked only 34 times AND hit like crap with MOB.


Now all we need to do is sign Mike Piazza to catch, DFA Ausmus, trade Burke, Lidge, Lane, Hirsh, Ensberg, Sampson, Pence and Albers and any young player who hits worse than Berkman or pitches worse than Roy for Wily Mo Pena and some LOOGY and we will be all set.
I’m SURE Roger Clemens will be HAPPY to sign with a team that will score a whole lot of runs, but will make the Yankees fielders look like the 2000 Mets, so he can watch his ERA go on up to 5.


Husband says – look Baby, these guys KNOW the market this year is very expensive and they hafta make stupidly long contracts in order to sign a guy for 1 year or even 2 years. Maybe they are actually figuring that they are actually paying 100 mil for 2 or 3 years and are not counting on getting anything more – maybe Scott Boras IS right and the owners got so much money they hardly know what to do with it.
The 33 million dollar a year player.

Barry Lamar Dog pokes his nose at my elbow and whines gently – he knows I’m up set and is trying to ask why and cheer me up. I tell him, well Dog, problem is we shoulda signed the REAL Barry Lamar to a 1 year contract so we won’t be in trouble in 3 years when we can’t move this dead weight.

So to speak.

Oh yeah, we are losing our top two draft picks this year. Like our farm is so stacked who needs to get top young players anyhow? I suppose it doesn’t really matter – we haven’t done very well at picking in the top 2 rounds for the last 5 years.

I’ll talk about the payroll and the farm next week. Once I get undepressed enough to do it.

Berkman Bests The Jackal In 2006 MVP Voting

Monday, November 20th, 2006

Me, I’m not gonna get into the was Pujols jobbed out of the MVP (seeing as how he’s an excellent fielder and Ryan Howard is Mo Vaughn/Jason Giambi clueless with the glove) debate.
I was pretty sure Howard was gonna win because he had more homers and RBIs. Of course, he also had Chase Utley and Uncle had, um, he had, um, uh, Sam Dude in front of him and (giggle) Juan Encarnacion or Preston Wilson “protecting” him.

But I was quite surprised the Jackal ended up behind Lance. Now it is true that without Lance, the Astros would have looked like the Cubs/Royals/D-Rays, but usually the writers prefer a guy on a team that wins the division, as the Mets did.

But here it is – Beltran only batted .275 even though he hit 41 homers and drove in 116 (from the 2 hole!!!) and scored 127 runs. Lance batted .315, hit 45 homers, drove in 136 and scored 95 from the 3 hole.

Lance is an OK first baseman – say, league average. But the Jackal is simply outstanding as a defender, much as I hate to say anything good about him.

And seems to me the voters looked at average, RBI and homers and that’s about it. I’m not sure why so many people hold defense in such contempt. Seems people think that saving runs and throwing runners out doesn’t matter. But defense DOES matter – see Alex Gonzalez, Cubs 2003. Defense DOES matter – see Brandon Inge, WS 2006.

But I guess it doesn’t really matter to the MVP voters.

Are The Astros REALLY Lowering The 2007 Payroll???!!!

Wednesday, November 15th, 2006

Read THIS lil nugget from Brian McTaggart’s latest column in the Houston Chronicle:

“What’s for sure is teams have money to spend, thanks to record attendance, sky-high revenues and increased revenue sharing. Purpura expects a payroll next season in the upper $80 million, lower $90 million range, but likely not topping $100 million as it did last year when Roger Clemens signed in May.”

Yall catch that?
Teams have money to spend. Last year, the Astros, who have the 5th highest ticket prices in the majors according to SI, who had over 3 mill in attendence, are LOWERING the payroll. Last year’s payroll BEFORE Roger deigned to grace us with his 22 starts was approximately 95 mill.
McTaggart did not point this out, and I have not heard it mentioned on TV or radio and I would very much like to know what McLane’s excuse is for lowering payroll. He sure is sneaking that lil tidbit under the radar, hunh???!!!!!!

Look at this now…
“Perhaps Purpura’s biggest headache this offseason is deciding what to do at third base, where Morgan Ensberg, Aubrey Huff and Mike Lamb are in the mix. Ensberg had a miserable, injury-filled 2006, prompting a trade for Huff at midseason. Huff, who is younger and has better credentials than Ensberg, would like to return to the Astros, but at what price? Ensberg is arbitration eligible and figures to draw interest on the trade market.Purpura spoke last week with Seth Levinson, the agent for Huff, about possibly bringing him back in 2007, a move that would almost certainly signal an end to Ensberg’s days in Houston.”

Mo Ensberg was born Aug 26, 1975
Aubrey Huff was born December 20, 1976
We are talking 15 months younger at age 29 and 30, not exactly David Wright/Ryan Zimmerman there, and as a FA, Huff will be considerably more expensive. Non-tendering Mo would be about the stupidest thing Purpura could possibly do.

Besides, on exactly WHAT planet does Huff have “better credentials?” Certainly NOT with the glove – Huff ain’t exactly Aramis Ramirez with the glove, but Mo is an excellent fielder. I know Mo obviously got hurt at the beginning of May, but exactly why are we supposed to conclude he is definitely washed up and downgrade?

Check out Aubrey Huff’s career hitting stats.

Roy Oswalt Doesn’t Win The 2006 Cy Young

Tuesday, November 14th, 2006


Well, I’m not surprised. After all, when the sportswriters were talking about a trade for Tejada, they were discussing Roy PLUS Lidge, Ensberg and Everett. They still are wondering why on earth some pitcher in some non-east coast AL town would get more than a few mill a year at MOST…

I am seriously disgusted that a reliever who didn’t have an absolutely dominating year like Eric Gagne did in 2003 would receive TWELVE first place votes, while Roy Oswalt received only 2. Some sportswriter gave Billy Wagner a second place vote (no I am NOT joking) and both he and Saito (who? the Dodgers’ reliever) received a third place vote.

11/13/06: Lee-ve This Carlos Too

Monday, November 13th, 2006

Time to talk about Carlos Lee. Seems EVVERBODY wants to throw out Mo Ensberg, who, by the way, had the third best defensive numbers in the NL last year, install Aubrey Huff and sign Carlos Lee to play right. (If it’s left, that means Luke Scott in right, and he is HORRIBLE in right.) Now let’s remember that we play in the NATIONAL League, there’s NO DH and Mr. Lee is gonna get something like 5 years/75 mill. He turned down 4 years 62 mill from the Brewers, so it’s either the years, the mill/year or both. (Or the Brewers, but I’m too nice to say that…)

He’s 30, will be 31 in June, is 6’1 or 6’2″, depending on which stat sheet you read. He SEZ he’s 240, but he is at LEAST 40 pounds heavier – let’s be real here. We are talking Mo Vaughn size, you know. We are talking he got like 60 pounds too much on his knees and back. And there’s no saying he won’t get even fatter in a very short time because weight limits don’t get written into contracts…

Let’s check out his stats:

To summarize, he hits around .286/340/.488/.828 and drives in those all important 100 RBI a year, hits 24-32 HR/year and, surprisingly for such a big fat man, steals 12-19 bases a year and is CS only a few times. Let me be kind and say that is glove is, uh, barely adequate. Perhaps it won’t be so bad at the Box, as long as the CF can handle left center to the bullpen as well.

11/10/06: Astros New News, Old News and Same News

Friday, November 10th, 2006

Shock de la Shock, the Astros did NOT pick up Jeff Bagwell’s 18 mill option, but are paying him his 7 mill buyout. Much as I luuuvvv the boy, truth is:
1 – he’s been finished for a good two, probably three years now, and he really hasn’t played for 2 years, and
2 – playing him for old times’ sake in the WS was not exactly a good thing for the team. Yes I know that he didn’t lose it for us, the relievers did (yeah Brad, I’m talking to YOU.)

Unlike 05, Baggy wasn’t around this year. Not sure why, but I certainly hope he wasn’t miffed that he was put on the DL – his spring training at bats cost the Stros 15 mill in insurance money. Best I can tell, the Stros would like to get something for the 7 mill Baggy is getting this year – they would like him to instruct (ahem..) but he doesn’t seem to have any interest.

At least so far.

Not many guys can just walk away from baseball like that when they are WANTED in SOME capacity, but I guess Baggy really has said goodbye. For now, that is.
I did a retrospective on Baggy’s career for his birthday last year. Click here to read. with updated stats…
lifetime .297 BA
.408 OBP (#44 all time)
1402 walks (24th all time)
202 steals (72 % success)
TWO 30 – 30 seasons, which NO other first baseman has done in the history of baseball
449 HR (#33 all time – it was 28th just 18 months ago – sigh)
488 doubles (tied for #52 with Mel Ott and Harold Baines)
2314 hits,
1529 RBIs (tied for #41 with Tris Speaker)
1517 runs (#54 all time)
4213 total bases (58th all time)
lifetime 150 OPS+ which is #30 on the all-time list – tied with Nap Lajoie, Honus Wagner and Jason Giambi.
Speed:Power# – 278.64 – 28th all time

Biggio thinks he should be paid more than 4 mill for next year. Like Chris Burke wouldn’t be more than an adeequate replacement. Not sure why he thinks he deserves a raise, other than the fact that MLB is rolling in dough. I seriously doubt that his getting 3000 hits will exactly raise a lot of money for the team, or get much more than a paragraph in headlines outside Houston – after all, we’re not NY/Boston/Chicago/LA, so it didn’t count as much. Or something.

What makes me sad is that so many sportswriters who think that America ends west of Philly will say – well, Craig has 3000 hits, guess he should go in, and the rest of his incredible career will be ignored. He certainly is in the top ten second basemen of all time, and, I think, better than Ryne Sandberg. Craig needs 70 hits to reach 3000. He always has started off the year hot, and he tires as the year goes on – he WILL be 41, which is kind of old to be playing second full time, so hopefully, his appearances will be for home games after mid May. Anyhow, he will be signing a contract for right around 5 mill because he’s getting moren 4 and less than 6. He’ll sign before tomorrow because he does not want to declare FA.

I hear that the Stros are interested in obtaining Gary (ex-roider) Sheffield. Drayton McLane traded away Billy Wagner because he didn’t like Billy’s mouth and Billy is quiet and shy compared to Sheffield. Sheff would cost 13 mill for one year only (even though he SAYS he’s gonna cause a lot of unpleasantness if the team he’s traded to doesn’t immediately give him an extension.) Yeah I know that 5 mill of that is deferred, but it STILL has to be paid. He isn’t very good in right, but at least he’s bettern Luke Scott. Or even Aubrey Huff.

For all the complaints about Barry Lamar Himself, I really think there is no bigger jerk than Sheffield in the major leagues. In fact, I’d really MUCH rather sign Himself for a year – the guy was one of the ten top hitters in the NL last year, and especially if Roger doesn’t come back, we’ll need SOME draw and I would bet that Barry’s agent is right – Barry would mostly pay for Himself. (And as much as I appreciate Biggio, I disagree with John Lopez that Biggio’s run to 3000 hits will be a big draw – the 3000th hit might could be HERE IN HOUSTON, but I would be real surprised if it is anywhere else.)

And speaking of Himself, I am not real too happy about the way he is being portrayed as Satan by the Dallas writers. Jim Reeves speaks of the home run record as “hallowed.” Yes. You read that right. HALLOWED???!!! Excuse you Mr. Reeves, that is flat out blasphemy. To insist that a ballplayer is Satanic/Evil because he did drugs (like a WHOLE lot of other baseball players) or cheated on his wife/wives (which very few ballplayers do NOT do) or acted like a primadonna superstar (which is what he is) is just insulting to everyone. He is no more a “rat” that anyone else who is a pain in the ass ballplayer (like a WHOLE lot of them they know who they are…) I don’t wanna hear how I am excusing his behaviour. OK. I am saying that calling one ballplayer “Satan” for the same activities that a WHOLE lot of other ballplayers guilty of is pretty sick.

Enough Barry Lamar.
Back to Adam Everett. Check out what famous stat geek graph master Dave Studeman had to say about Adam in The Hardball Times: “And the real shame is that Adam Everett keeps getting snubbed by the Gold Gloves. Let me say this unequivocally: Adam Everett is the Ozzie Smith of our time. According to the Handbook, Everett made 43 more plays than the average shortstop last year; the Gold Glove winner, Omar Vizquel, made less than seven more. That’s a difference of almost 40 plays.”

Check out this article:
then scroll down to the graph on Adam Everett (sorry, I can’t reproduce that graph here with this particular software of this blog.)

I also remind yall that Adam gets most all of the popups to left and left center because most of the LF we have had out there are lousy and the 3B not named Mo Ensberg are lousy.

Last – I was checking AFL stats and found that Hunter Pence wasn’t playing. I thought maybe he might could have gotten hurt, but he wasn’t – he was suspended by the club for getting a DUI. There hasn’t been talk about this I’ve heard, but the guy IS our best prospect, so I would bet he is not gonna be released.

You don’t wanna hear the winter league stats on the pitchers. Taylor Buchholz was a total ace in a total hitters league last year, but unfortunately, none of this year’s pitchers have followed in his footsteps. I’ll talk about our minor leaguers who might could help us in 2007 in an upcoming entry.

Me, I don’t wanna talk about how Roger don’t know if he wanna pitch, how he is flattered that the Yanks and Red Sox still talk about him (and I am SO positive that he will not sign with either of them to play a FULL season starting in April 2007 that I promised Husband that if he does, I will agree to have another baby right away. And there it is in writing so he can’t say I’m weaseling out of it.)

Andy is pulling a Roger too – gee, HE don’t know if he wanna pitch neither. Well dudes, poopoo or get offn the potty. I’m sick of this act. Unless either of them signs with someone or gets caught doing something newsworthy, I refuse to even discuss them again.

There’s No Women In Baseball

Wednesday, November 8th, 2006

Yesss, it’s Da Boyz Club in MLB.
Grrrlz are icky poo!!!

Remember all the trouble earlier this year when G.O.B. Keith Hernandez got his undies in a twist when he saw the Padres assistant trainer in the dugout – you see that assistant trainer, uh, looked like a (gaaaak aaaak) female human and not a slut or Annie or Morganna or, or – well, he was REAL indignant – don’t no GRRRRRL belong in the dugout!!! Why ain’t she in the kitchen where she belong???? Seeing as how there are more female doctors than male ones and how there are LOTS of female athletic trainers, personal trainers and physical therapists, kinda amazing that there is only ONE female assistant trainer in the majors (and as far as I know, none in the minors neither.)

And as far as I know, there is exactly one female in baseball management – Assistant GM Kim Ng of the LA Dodgers. I know Pam Gardner is high up in the Astros Organization, (President of Business Operations) but it ain’t no Assistant GM position, that’s fer sher.

With all the open managerial positions, Assistant GM positions and possibly GM positions open, there STILL are exactly zero female candidates for any of these. And I would most certainly say that we are the MOST underrepresented minority group in management. There’s plenty of excuses like, um, well, females can’t boss males around. Or males won’t obey a female boss. Or athletes are used to, um, screwing females, not the other way around. Any excuse will serve a tyrant, hunh. But there are PLENTY of female contract lawyers out there (and this is a LOT of what Assistant GMs do) and PLENTY of female CPAs out there and there are TONS of female baseball fans out there so what is the excuse?

We just don’t understand how to talk to males?

Well, they haven’t never done it before so how would they know what to do?
Old fashioned prejudice, I say.

But you know, my Mama, she has a different reason why there aren’t any females even TRYING to get these positions. It’s called wisdom, she says. So she tells me the lil tale she and all her business friends luuuvvvv to tell….

One day while walking down the street, this would be highly successful baseball executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Stadium Gates by St. Owner.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Owner. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a female executive make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me into the club,” said the woman.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have Higher Orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
“Actually, I’ve already made up my mind…I prefer to stay in Baseball,” said the woman.
“Sorry, we have rules…”

And with that St. Owner put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the field of a beautiful ML ballpark. In the distance were the ballclub stadium offices and standing in front of her were all of her girlfriends and they were all dressed in AAGPBL unis and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about hitting stats, fielding stats, WARP3, Win Shares, UZR (and every other baseball letter grouping that we don’t know what it really stands for.) They played an excellent 9 inning game and at night they went to the club owners’ suites where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devselig who was actually a really nice guy once you got past the hair/horns and she had a great time telling stats and telling baseball stories. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody hugged her and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went back up to the Stadium Gates and she found St. Owner. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, buying shoes, eating chocolates. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Owner came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I had a better time in Hell. It’s not I don’t luuuvvv music and shoes and chocolate, but I mean, all baseball all the time? It doesn’t get any bettern that.”

So St. Owner escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland of a rookie league park covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in cleaning crew rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Seligula came up to her and put his arm around her. “Hello there, girlfriend. Welcome to your rightful place.”

“Bud, Bud, Bud, I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a ML ballpark and club suites and we ate lobster and we played baseball and talked stats and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you.
Today you’re staff.”
– – – –
Now my Mama’s best friend – she got a slightly different story:
In the beginning, there was the Plan. NO FEMALES IN BASEBALL!!!
And then came the Assumptions. FEMALES CAN’T REALLY DO THIS!!!!!
And the Assumptions were without form,
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Females
And they spoke among themselves saying, “It’s a crock of s**t, and it stinks.”

And the Females went unto the Managers and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”
And those Managers went unto the Assistant General Managers saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
And the AGMs went unto their GMs saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it’s strength.”
And the GMs spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the GMs went to the Owners saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Owners went unto the Commissioner saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote growth, and vigor of the ML with very powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it was good,
And the Plan became Policy.
And THIS is how s**t happens.

Now my Daddy, he got still ANOTHER story – he says – baby girl you just can’t have no GRRRLZ walkin into the Executive Suites, cluttering up the Executive Office Paths. Lemme tell you a story to explain…

This General Manager was walking along a California beach deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud:
“Lord, grant me one wish.”

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! The offense to the environment!! I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women so I could really talk to them. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “So, yall want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?”

– moral of the story – if He can’t understand You People, what do you expect the poor GM to do?

So seems this is why there ain’t no females in baseball…