As Scott Humphries says, “you need to wake that $#@% Purpura up!!!”
Um, yeah. (And that is assuming that he don’t have insomnia but is being tied up by McLane…)
Well, what we DON’T know is if Roger Clemens and McLane already have some sort of understanding bout is Roger gonna come back for us after May 1 – especially if it looks like we have a chance. Richard Justice of the Chronicle thinks so now (he changed his mind, which is his perogative…)
– Oh. By the way, I will believe that Roger is headed back to the media hell on earth that is Boston/NY to pitch every 5 days April thru Oct about the same time that I see a male give birth. Here in Houston, Roger is bout as close to human perfection in a celebrity as you can possibly get (next to Jeter, of course, who is god hisself.) Non stop adoration 24/7/365. Up There he gonna get loads of poopoo dumped upon his poor wittle head the first time he don’t pitch good enuf to win. And I don’t believe for ONE minnit that his wife gonna uproot their 3 kids from Texas Schools and go back Up There and wave byby to all the social stuff she involved in here in Houston.
What we DO know is that McLane don’t like to spend money and that even though we got all that extra money from the playoffs and WS and the increase in ticket prices for 06, not to mention the extra $$$ that every single ML team got from the internet and XM radio, he playin poor. IF he re-signs Roger in May, the extra pub and ticket and merchandise sales will pay for him right there. Roger is the biggest thing to EVER happen to the Stros (sorry Nolan, but it’s true.)
So let’s go to rumors
1) big trade with the Cubs – Kerry Wood and Corey Patterson and some prospect for Backe PLUS Burke PLUS Taveras. PUHLEEEZE. This nightmare invented by some Cub fan (not that I blame them…) Kerry Wood is a freaking expensive China doll with another year left on his expensive contract and Corey Patterson, one of the 10 best lookin hotties in the ML, really is all hot and no hit. And we supposed to be giving up 3 cheap (for at LEAST a few more years) decent players for THAT? In a pig’s eye. Purpura might could be slow as molasses, but he ain’t no Hendry or Sabean about cheap young players or prospects for el-sucko name brand vets.
2) (courtesy of John P. Lopez, Houston Chronicle) Brad Lidge and somebody not Jason Lane for a bat.
Now, who could we be talkin bout?
First, lets think of who gonna be where who is NOT moving:
– Baggy at first (no, he ain’t goin to no Boston to DH – they got this guy already there named Ortiz who is pretty good)
– Biggio at 2B
– Ensberg at 3B
– Berkman in LF
– Ausmus at catcher (of COURSE he comin back – the Dbax just got Estrada and the Pads just got Mirabelli and Ausmus really DO wanna come back here and the guys on the team luuuvvvv him and besides, he’s HOT (at least to us estrogen soaked fans 0f all ages, shapes and races)
– everybody else is relatively cheap
Lane in right
Taveras in center
Everett at short
so if it ain’t Lane, it’s Everett or Taveras.
Now I LIKE watching Everett field, DON’T like watching him K. Taveras, well, he CAN get better with both bat and glove.
Which means we would have to be getting a bat to play either center or short.
So, who needs a closer?
1 – Cincy does. They ain’t trading Felipe Lopez to us for no Lidge, and it better not be no Wily Mo Pena cuz he ain’t WORTH no Lidge. Heck, he ain’t worth no Everett. OR even Taveras. So I would be guessing Griffey. Now, it’s not that Griffey can’t hit, it’s that he can’t play center. Trust me you don’t wanna hear what his fielding stats were – let’s just say they remind me of Biggio in left and leave it mercifully there. Yall have watched him as much as I have last year, so you KNOW what I’m talkin about and he’d hafta play left – wouldn’t mind having Griffey there, except that’s where Berkman gonna be. And CF is harder to play here than in Riverfront (I mean the new Riverfront…)
2 – San Fran does. So they can have Lidge and Taveras for Barry.
But I have this feeling it might could be Mo Alou, Baggy’s best friend. Problem is that Alou can barely play left and he can NOT play CF. (And neither can Lane, for that matter…) And he expensive. And a righty.
3 – the Orioles. I have NO trouble trading Lidge PLUS Everett PLUS Taveras (we can put Bruntlett in CF – he’s bettern Taveras out there in my opinion…)
straight up for Miggy – who, if yall remember, developed a SERIOUS luuuvvv affair with the Crawford boxes and the train tracks a few All-Star games back.
4 – Bahstin – Foulke, I hear, is iffy. They could use BOTH Lidge and Everett, seeing as how they got no SS after trading away both Renteria – no great loss – and prospect Hanley Ramirez… And they DO wanna dump Whining Manny and his 20 mill a year for 3 years.
No freaking WAY can Manny play center – heck, dude can barely play left. All his “Manny being Manny” horsestuff ain’t gonna be tolerated in THIS clubhouse I can tell yall THAT. Guaranteed. And he can’t play left cuz Berkman already there and neither Berkman nor Lane can play center.
Now, let’s be real here. McLane ain’t payin Manny no freakin 20 mill a year for 3 years for a guy who say stuff like
“ida wanna play today!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”
“ida LIKE it out there. I wanna go to the barzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”
“ida see why i gottaaaaaaa. ida LIKE catching balls offn the scoreboard…”
“it’s not FAIR you luuuvvvv him bettern me”
“he gets ta do it and how come i can’t?????”
“you doan lemme i’m gonna hold my breff!!!!!!”
and Bahstin has said thay ain’t payin Manny to play somewhere else, anyhow.
5 – Pirates – Lidge and Taveras straight up for Jason Bay? Can I hear a HELL YEAH???!!! I’d even throw in cash with that one.
Can’t think of anyone else.
I hear we tryin to get a starting pitcher to replace Roger even though we already have 5 starters in Pettitte, Roy, Zeke Astacio, Wandy Rodriguez and Brandon Backe. We have Jason Hirsh in AAA, who look pretty ready for the bigs to me. If we need to throw in a starter, they can have Astacio. I can NOT believe how many people think he’s good. I KNOW that his era was 3.97 after the break, but I keep reminding people he don’t last over 5 IP, gives up a LOT of HRs and he had a lot of unearned runs and got bailed out by the bullpen too many times. Dave Studeman, a baseball statistician who writes for the Hardball Times, says he is absolutely POSITIVE that Astacio’s HR rate will go down this year – remember he gave up 23 HR/ 81 IP – a rate even higher than Eric Milton. Because, you see, it is SO high above the ML mean that a probability graph sez that chances are overwhelming that it MUST come down. OK. So he’ll give up 22 HR/ 81 IP – or 23 HR/ 82 IP – big freaking deal. Then the stat geeks will be right and it DID come down. Sometimes I just HATE stats…
I also been hearin bout how we might could be interested in Jarrod Washburn, LHP. One small problem – Scott Bore-ass is his agent, and I have a REAL hard time believing after the, um, hard time (ahem) he gave us last year with Carlos the Jackal, that McLane would have anything to do with ANY Boras client ever again. Washburn is at best, a #3 starter, and I’d rather just keep Wandy, to be honest. I LIKE Wandy, yes, you right.
And I heard we thinkin of gettin Kevin Mench from the Rangers. WHY??? We already got “Kevin Mench” right here and his name is Jason Lane and he’s already bettern Mench. This is too dumb for any further discussion. And we do NOT need another righty bat, we need a lefty.
That’s it on the rumors I know of.
We did re-sign Orlando Palmeiro to a 2 year 1.9 mill contract. I got no problem with this one. He a decent lefty bat, a VERY good pinch hitter, and he is at least a league average glove in RF or LF.
We didn’t lose anyone in the Rule V draft, for ONCE. Don’t know how we ever gonna live down either Abreu or Johan Santana. But we did get an A ball pitcher named Ben Diggins, a righty who was a former #1 draft pick by the Dodgers from U of Arizona in 2000, from the Brewers. If the name sounds a little familiar, he appeared in 24 innings for the ML Brewers in 02 – looks like he got hurt after that and has taken a few years to come back. Amazing how many former #1 draft picks were left open for the Rule V this year, hunh.
So anyhow, if we decide to trade Taveras, we can put Bruntlett in CF and sign Brooks Conrad to replace Viz – they hit about the same, play IF and are switch hitters. Conrad will make ML minimum, instead of the mill or so that Viz will cost.
it’s off to make Christmas cookies (24 dozen – yes, you read that right) with my 3 little elves. And yes, I DO know I’m gonna hear
– hunh? chew, munch, swallow
– it was jes ONE star
– cn I have jes a little piece PEEEEEZZZEEEE???
– no I wanna do the green ones
– gimme the santa
– NO YOU gimme the santa
– MAMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII he got the santa
– NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ida wanna do the trees
– how come HE gets ta?????
– no I dint gived it to Dog. he eated it.
– NO BOY!! dontchu eat stuff offn the floor!!!
– how come Dog gets ta?????
– uh oh
– wasn’t me
(preparing for 3 years of Manny?????)